Best funny quotes

"I would challenge you to a battle of wits, but I see you are unarmed!"

William ShakespeareQuote has 40 points. Vote or

"Ask not what you can do for your country. Ask what'€™s for lunch."

Orson WellesQuote has 36 points. Vote or

"When his life was ruined, his family killed, his farm destroyed, Job knelt down on the ground and yelled up to the heavens, 'Why god? Why me?' and the thundering voice of God answered, 'There's just something about you that pisses me off.'"

Stephen KingQuote has 26 points. Vote or

"Usually I'm remarkably good natured. Try me on a day that doesn't end in y."

Cassandra ClareQuote has 23 points. Vote or

"Those who believe in telekinetics, raise my hand."

Kurt VonnegutQuote has 23 points. Vote or

"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."

J.K. RowlingQuote has 21 points. Vote or

"Illegal aliens have always been a problem in the United States. Ask any Indian."

Robert OrbenQuote has 21 points. Vote or

"You guessed? You must have been pretty sure, considering you could have killed me. I was ninety percent sure. I see, Clary said. There must have been something in her voice, because he turned to look at her. Her hand cracked across his face, a slap that rocked him back on his heels. He put his hands on his cheek, more in surprise than pain. What the hell was that for? The other ten percent."

Cassandra ClareQuote has 18 points. Vote or

"There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened."

Douglas AdamsQuote has 17 points. Vote or

"Everyone, at some point in their lives, wakes up in the middle of the night with the feeling that they are all alone in the world, and that nobody loves them now and that nobody will ever love them, and that they will never have a decent night's sleep again and will spend their lives wandering blearily around a loveless landscape, hoping desperately that their circumstances will improve, but suspecting, in their heart of hearts, that they will remain unloved forever. The best thing to do in these circumstances is to wake somebody else up, so that they can feel this way, too."

Lemony SnicketQuote has 17 points. Vote or

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